SVMS-01X

There is a very frustrating thing that occurs when I say that I don't play or like PVP games and that's for someone to follow up with stating their particular game of choice 'isn't that bad' rather than just letting me be, it gets exhausting.

The only time I have ever played and enjoyed PVP is in closed circuit games where it's a lobby of just yourself and your friends and you're just goofing off with no real stakes or losses. Like old deathmatch arenas and fighting games with friends. There's no ranks, no stakes, and no progress to loose. Or the occassional 'party game'. And even then, I can only put maybe an hour or two into it and then I'm disinterested.

I am not 'great' at video games, I have to fail an awful lot to be any decent at it and even then I'm only mediocre. I'm fine with this. Failure on its own doesn't bother me. What bothers me is loss of progress and my teammates being upset with me because I fumbled. This only amplifies when PVP is involved. When it's free for all pvp, then it's frustrating because I'll just get no where because most people are better than me and I'll make no progress and have to sit through more and more matches just to meet bare minimum requirements to progress. Or if it's not match based but still solo PVP, the whole act of playing it feels on a razer wire because I could loose progress at any time and then what even is the point? And if it's team matches, then I have the anxiety of failing people in the team.

In parties of 4 it gets very easy to see who the weak link is, and because of the nature of PVP, people are very unkind to failure. People will claim that they're okay with it, but I hear it, I hear them trash talk their teammates when they're not up to snuff. Never giving space for people to learn or just be bad at something for a while until they get better at it. And they think that this doesn't effect the other people around them. I know what you all think of people that play poorly, and I play poorly, why do you all think that kind of talk would have no impact on me? So every time I loose in a team I think of how they would think of me, how they're angry at my failure, how they wish I weren't playing so they wouldn't be 'stuck' with someone so bad at the game. I am okay with failure, (unless I loose progress but that's it's own vector) but some people really, really are not. And in PVP, the need for success amplifies even more so than in co-op games because people's ranks are on the line. Take all that anxiety I already get with high stakes team play and then add the element that you're now also playing with other people, and that all gets amplified.

The only PVP I've been able to tollerate is ones with a strong PVE element which has only been possible in Gambit in Destiny 2, and World vs World in Guild Wars 2. Because in these I can largely focus on the PVE part and not the PVP part. Gambit's PVE is really important, so being good at that helps the overall match and I don't feel like a complete failure. Guild Wars 2's World vs World is a little less PVE intensive but the PVP part is handled by being in large swarms, so my personal failures don't stand out and I don't have people in chat yelling at me. More importantly, both games do not result in me loosing progress if I die. I can die dozens of times without penalty. That being said, if I could play those games without touching the game modes at all, I absolutely would. I only played those modes for certain progress requirements, not because I enjoyed them.

And then there's the matter that I just don't enjoy it. Sure I could triple up on anxiety meds and maybe not feel like my chest is caving in when I play a PVP game, but it's also just not enjoyable. Why waste my time on the potential that I might feel a high with certain big stakes when I could, instead, play a game I actually enjoy playing without the crushing weight of anxiety. So not only is it anxiety inducing, it's also just not my idea of fun.

So all that said, it gets really exhausting, when I say I don't play PVP and someone still tries to sell me on their PVP game. 'Oh it's not that bad', 'Oh I don't usually like pvp but'

I DON'T LIKE PVP!!
FULL STOP!!!
IT IS NOT FUN FOR ME!!!
STOP TRYING TO SELL ME ON YOUR PVP GAME!!!

Stop trying to apply your perception of mild aversion being the same as my intense level of discomfort and anxiety I have around the game type. What might be 'not that bad' for you, is still pretty dang bad for me and I'm tired of it being brushed aside like my discomfort and ability to enjoy it a all isn't even a factor worth incorporating.